If he just went ahead and kissed a boy, i bet he'd like it.

let's take a moment to consider 1) american idol, 2) simon cowell, and 3) rock bottom.

american idol brought it's usual freak show to the airwaves this past week. along with the obligatory horrible singers, we now have a new bitchy judge, and paula going from spaceball to slightly less popular mean girl who only talks shit if she's sure she's got backup, and who then runs to the bathroom to throw up her lunch.

yeah, paula has become Heather Duke....

and of course we have simon's usual stale gay jokes.

simon is one of those guys that always seems to take it there: no matter what the topic of discussion, he's gonna bring it back around to dudes kissing dudes on the pee-pee. and i thought the word was out on this type of behavior, but apparently not. therefore, let me break it down like a scene from Yo Gabba Gabba:

when a seemingly straight man constantly cracks on gay men, it is because he secretly wants to kiss a gay man because he is secretly a gay man. those of us comfortable in our sexuality know this, and these sad fools are not tricking anyone.

i know a guy who constantly talks about the "gay guys" at his gym who want to sleep with him and yet he is constantly walking around buck-ass-naked around these same men. and yeah, i understand that's what happens in locker rooms, but on the treadmill?? a.little.much.

but i digress...

so here is simon, seeing a male contestant coming into the room, thinking "i'd like to kiss his pee-pee...maybe he'd like to kiss my pee-pee?....wait a minute, i can't want that, i have to like women otherwise my mother will never forgive me...must throw everyone off the trail while my erection shrinks...HE'S GAY...MUST RIDICULE HIM...breastsbreastsbreastsbreasts!"

or some shit.

but as i've stated, it's the oldest trick in the book (second oldest?) and it fools absolutely no one. which brings us to rock bottom:

“In my opinion, Simon Cowell is the biggest queen on TV. To me, he gives off a ‘bi/gay’ vibe and tends to carry on with bitchy, campy commentary. I know a lot of gay men and Simon seems to me like a ‘gay wannabe.’” - Randy Jones, the cowboy from The Village People.

now, listen: when you get called out by a member of the village people, you just need to go ahead and kiss a boy on the mouth, because now it's just embarrassing.

so here's to you, simon: go on ahead and kiss a boy! it's really great, i highly recommend it! but don't let it be ryan...i heard that bitch has lip herpes.