the last few weeks have been pretty tough on me. the reality of life has caused me to let go of some of the few comforts i allowed myself: a snazzy bells and whistles cell phone service and wonderfabulous cable television.
after realizing that i am a financially busted mother of two who is not allowed to have those things because my money is tied up in survival, despite the fact that i have two degrees and earn a "middle class" salary...
i felt depression. sadness. embarrassment.
the whole situation and ensuing self-pity gave me pause to think about the times when my mother wasn't even able to provide things for me and how she must have felt. times were hard but not because she didn't work; because her earnings didn't always kept pace with the cost of living. i remember more than one christmas when there weren't any presents. and sometimes where wasn't that much food. and sometimes no phone or lights.
but no matter what, she made sure we had a place to live. we were fortunate enough to never have to worry about sleeping in shelters or having our things set out on the street by our landlord.
so putting that all in perspective, i'm embarrassed for a whole other reason: i'm embarrassed that instead of being thankful that i can provide housing, food, transportation, and clothing for my children, i'm bent out of shape about a cell phone and the fact that i'm not going to be able to watch the new season of Big Love ....shudder....yeah, it still stings a bit.
and i'm embarrassed that i have the gall to feel sorry for myself when i know now more than ever my mother carried a much greater financial burden than i do.
as i learn these lessons, i wish i could go back and tell my mother that everything is ok and that she IS doing a great job as a mother and provider. but since i can't, the least i can say to myself in the midst of my pity-party is "GET OVER YOURSELF."
everything is ok. i AM doing a great job as a mother and a provider.
and there's always Hulu!
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