good day, sir.

someone "close" to Chris Brown told him it would be a good idea to go on Larry King and show the world was a remorseless piece of crap he is. he is scheduled to appear on King's broadcast on September 2, to talk about the Rhianna beatdown from earlier in the year.

one of the money quotes floating around as a lead up to the clusterfuck interview, in which he claims to not remember hitting her, is this little gem:

"I'm in shock, because, first of all, that's not who I am as a person, and that's not who I promise I want to be. I just don't know what to think. I'm just like, wow...it's crazy to me."

it figures he wants to say he can't remember beating her in that car....it's not like i'd expect someone weak enough to hit girls to not show the temerity to go on television and say he just...can't...recall...that.

to whomever it was who convinced him that doing this interview, in which he is obviously going to come across like a clueless douchebag, would be a good career move, i say well played.

let's just hope he remembers where he's supposed to show up to do his community service.

i'm not usually this type of girl...but....

Intimidator...i think i love you. will you marry me? Let's meet in south carolina, next spring.

ok?

or fix it second...or third....

poor dear, why doesn't anyone have the heart to tell her??

stop it right now, and no!

listen, i empathize with you. you lost the last 20 years of your life to crushing, horrifying drug addiction. it tore apart your life and ripped your relationships with your children to shreds. i get it: now you're clean and a girl just wanna have fun.

but.



what does any of that have to do with playing cooch-to-chest helicopter with a gay man in an Atlanta club?!

YOUR HAIRLINE, FRANKIE! YOUR HAIRLINE!!!

this cliche is here to stay!

and now, we get down to it.

remember when you were in elementary school and adults tried to convince you that if someone of the opposite sex was being mean to you, that it should be overlooked because that just meant he or she liked you a whole lot?

now hold on Cindy Cynical-Pants! that may have sounded like some old blame shifting, DV-grooming, bullshit at the time but here's something to consider that puts it all in perspective:

over on Free Republic, the birthers are talking about how they wanna check out the President's penis!

hoosiermama:

The only other thing that hit me was that Sinclair said BO was not circumcised. When my son was born in a hospital that was done as a matter of routine without even consulting us. Would the same be for Hawaii? OTOH People born at home or in some other cultures are not circumcised.

thecodont:

A relative of mine was born (in a hospital) a couple of years after BO's alleged birth date. He was circumcised also (as a matter of routine, not according to any family request).

afraidfortherepublic:

My son was born in June of 1961 in a hospital in CA, and the nurses released us because of miscommunication in a day and a half before the circumcision was done. We had to go back to the doctor’s office to have it done a week later, and the doctor was NOT HAPPY. My second son was born in the same hospital 4 years later. I don’t remember them asking me about it. Routine procedure for little boys.

hoosiermama:

Wish we had someone to make a phone call to the hospitols in HI and ask if they routinely do circumcism and when that practice started.

MHGinTN:

You might want to make that call to a Canadian hospital ...

MHGinTN:

No...it would have been in Kenya....not Canada.

Natural Born 54

I am having a vision of a court room scene. The judge turns to O sitting in the witness chair to his left and says “I am sorry, Mr. President, but I am going to have to ask you to stand and drop trou .....”

how porntastic is THAT? you can almost hear Natural Born 54's heavy breathing as he typed about his vision of seing Obama naked from the waist down.

actually, it kind of reminds me of something...

i cannot believe it's finally come to this, something i've often heard talked about within the black community but never actually seen outside of it. do the birthers really see nothing freakishly familiar about their belief that they have a right to see the President's sex organs???

i don't know about you, but this post-racial america is killing me on the inside.

about my mother

Penman, Wilma J. - PENMAN Wilma J, 61, mother of Krystal Penman, died Sat. No services planned. Whitehall Funeral Home in charge of arrangements.
Published in the Lexington Herald-Leader on 8/21/2007

let me tell you a couple of funny stories. you wouldn't think a blog post that starts with an obituary would contain anything you'd want to laugh about, but just listen. But first, some background noise:

I grew up with my mom in a single parent household. One of my earliest memories of making sense of the mommy/kid dynamic was thus: when i got bigger, she'd get smaller until i was the adult and she was the kid. then we would switch turns and do it again. forever and ever. now in hindsight, i'm sure when i told my mother my thinking on how Things Worked, she probably shuddered a bit. Killing herself trying to keep our tiny ship afloat, do you think she really wanted to consider the fantasy of HAVING TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN???

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From early childhood through high school, she and I had a menagerie of pets. and by menagerie, i mean dogs and cats. with an occasional suicidal fish thrown in for good measure. one of the first dogs i got, i gleefully told her i wanted to name after my favorite chewing gum: Chicklets. a few hours later, she mentioned how great she thought the name Chicklets was for a dog. I looked at her and responded, in all seriousness "Chicklets???"

because little kids are lunatics, that's why!

She quickly reminded me "yes, dammit, Chicklets!" well, that jarred my memory.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My mom did some amazing things with her change and the help of some aunts: she sent me to Montessori and private school for a few elementary years. And kept us housed. and clothed. and fed. And when my public elementary school librarian (ms. livingston!) accused me of stealing a library book, causing my principal to refuse to give me my report card on the last day of school...and i came home and tearfully told my mother about it, she went to the school, cussed everyone out and got my report card.

She told me she'd never seen a person get as red in the face as my principal did when she leaned down on his desk and called him a dumb son-of-a-bitch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was also in elementary school that i informed her I wanted to play the violin. but my school only had about 5 violins and they were all gone before i could get one. So she got me one. and made payments on it. And when i showed promise, she paid for private lessons. In middle school, during our joint band and orchestra concert, I played a solo. My mom and an aunt were there supporting me the whole time. The next day at school, my language arts teacher (Miss Billie Davis) complained bitterly about the two people who were in the stands rudely talking during MOST of the performances.

take a guess who those two rude talkers were? and take a guess why my teacher decided to tell the class I was in about those rude talkers.

Hey, it's just as well my teacher decided to confront a 12 year old instead of my mother. by this time in my life, she'd left many an unhappy customer in her wake cussed out and very possibly threatened with physical violence. like the cashier at Sir Pizza....like the waitress at Frisch's....

no, i do know blame her one bit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I remember the first day of high school. i came home from school and told my mom all about my day and she gave me a big hug, telling me i was really growing up. i think i actually had a petit panic attack as she was holding me. i was growing up! life was changing! pretty soon i'd have to (gulp) GET OUT AND GET A JOB! the horror.

When prom season rolled around i ran to my mom with an edition of Cosmo and showed her the shimmery, fun, beaded mini-dress i wanted to find a replica of to make my night memorable. She looked at the dress, looked at me, and rolled her eyes. I was very serious! So was she...and a few weeks later, we went to the fabric store to buy material because one of my aunts was gracious enough to make my prom dress. We even found a Butterick pattern that didn't make me wanna throw up. and she got my shoes dyed, and she bought me accessories, and she did my hair. And i went to prom feeling like a million dollars.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What truly amazes me about how my mom raised me is how she did so much with so little. there was plenty of shopping at Gold Circle, Hills, McCrory's and the like. I remember one shopping trip at K-mart we were interrupted by loud arguing by two coworkers, fighting about who was working the hardest:

girl 1: "i've been working mah butt off, amanda! way harder than you!"

girl 2: "bull crap! i've been here since 4:00 working MAH butt off!"

wilma: "....that would explain why neither of them have butts."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My mom first got sick when i was a sophomore in college. i was 19 years old and remember telling my then boyfriend, as i prepared myself for her first surgery, that if anything went wrong i was not prepared to not have a mom. well, she had the surgery and she pulled through.

but more followed. bypasses. vein replacements. amputations. heart valve replacements. strokes. and finally, i found out after she died, a diagnosis of breast cancer.

she didn't tell me about that.

by the time she found out about that, i was chugging along in my twin pregnancy and she was asking me if i was okay and telling me i was strong and i could do this.

when my mom passed away, i found out at age 34 what i was afraid to know at age 19: i was not ready to be without a mom. and two years later, i still mourn almost everyday the fact that i can't just pick up the phone and talk to her about how much my life has changed, or ask her questions like what do you do about a baby's fever or how do you potty train without losing your mind.

i am saddened that she never got to meet the twins and inform me of the proper care and feeding of HER precious granddaughters. that she didn't get a chance to spend their first Christmas with them or talk to them or give them hugs and kisses.

but i have stories and i have pictures and i know people who knew and loved her, so in that respect, she's still right here with me. I see her every time i look at my own face. I see her every time Dixie asserts herself and opens a pint sized can of whoop ass on another toddler at daycare.

but mostly, i carry her with me every minute of every day. and she STILL gives me and my friends advice:

friend: he had the nerve to say i'm not black enough for him!

me: my mom would have said "why don't you kiss my ass and tell me what color it is, you dumb son-of-a-bitch!"

i've listed just a few of the reasons why my mom is so special to me and so very missed. i could go on for days with Wilma-isms that would have you rolling in the aisles.

for instance, did i ever tell you about the time when she was in her early 20s that she went out on a date and came home with her artfully drawn on eyebrows completely missing?

no?

Samuel Wertzenheimer Schmidt

So Joe the Plumber....why yes, people ARE still talking to him...had something interesting he wanted to share regarding his frustration with Nancy Pelosi:

"Those kind of people, I usually took out behind the woodshed and just beat the livin' tar out of 'em."

let's deconstruct this statement shall we?

"Those kind of people.." - what kind of people would that be? women? say it ain't so, joe!

"i usually took out behind the woodshed" - is that what you usually did, Samuel? when did you stop? when they got restraining orders? when the ex moved to the battered women's shelter? when?

"and just beat the livin' tar out of 'em." - and so now we're from the south. can't you practically hear the drawl ratchet up as you read the words to yourself? now say it out loud. no you're ears are not deceiving you, you did just sound like Dolly Parton.

now, what did Nancy Pelosi do to inspire a threat of woodshedding from Joe? well, i dunno. maybe she had the audacity to have a man-type job instead of a lady-type job? you know, like one of those jobs whose title ends in the letters -ette?

word on the street is Joe the Unlicensed Plumber wants to run for public office. apparently he is taking the old down home approach of talking like he grew up in the mean streets of Appalachia. you know, the strategy that worked so well for Sarah Palin.

....or not.

all i can say is this: if i happen to see any political ads for this man where he is talking like an idiot and punctuating his statements by dropping a wink, i'll pluck my own damn eyes out.

They're Like Humans Except Different

i was looking at a slideshow of a house owned by a woman i'd never even heard of until just now. which is unfortunate, because now i'm heaping scorn upon a person who i didn't even know existed until about 15 minutes ago.

petty, they name is Boca.

anyway, after clicking through this amazing opulent and depressing slideshow, i realized something...well, a couple of things:

my apartment is the size of a rich person's bathroom, and rich people tawk diffrant.

i like to think of myself as a person who can turn a phrase and whip out an SAT word on yo ass in a heartbeat....eponymous WHAT....but some of the words in this pictorial left me completely stumped.

for instance, what do these words mean?

- toile de Jouy

- Chinoiserie

- bargello

- yew

- allée

- pollarded

after reading these words and drawing a blank, i was so relieved to see that one of their horses is named "Sid." Sid. three letters that add up. S-I-D. it even looks like it's smiling at me.

put one check in the win column!

but how does it come to pass that a person down to earth enough to have a horse named Sid minced their way through an "allee of pollarded plane trees" in the freakin back yard???

then, i realized what was happening. these rich so and suches are speaking to each other in a special coded language that only sounds like clicks and whistles to my broke ass eardrums!

well fine FINE. i don't give a damn what they're talking about. and i DON'T care that Gela has curtains in her bathroom made from the court train of the Queen of Italy.

i have a shower curtain in my bathroom made from nightmares of Queen Anna.

do you think you could live my life, Gela?

do you?

oh, yes you are: part II

and here we go again: people acting like racists while professing their lack of racism. let's apply this logic to other scenarios and see if it holds water, shall we?

- i force children to have sex, but i'm not a pedophile.

- i steal money from old people, but i'm not an amoral thief.

- i constantly tell lies, but i'm not a liar.

- i don't eat meat, but i'm not a vegetarian.

- i wear a self-contained underwater breathing apparatus and swim under the surface of the ocean, but i'm not a scuba diver.

nope....i still cannot seem to make this line of reasoning make even the slightest bit of sense.

but here's what i know for a fact:

the use of the word nigger is designed to strip the humanity from black people and is meant to remind them of the power differential between white and black races . even a person of no financial means or little education can and do use this word to let it be known that whiteness is more valued in this country.

this truth is the rationale behind the punchline to the old "joke" what do you call a black man with a Ph.D?

i'm tired of the old "i'm not (fill in the blank) but" shell game that people like to play. that game people play right before they tell the racist/sexist/homophobic/ xenophobic/generally fucked up "joke."

so to borrow Bill Maher's phrase, here's the new rule: if you don't want to be called a racist, stop doing and saying racist shit.

seems simple, right?

random Sunday

i don't have anything particularly random to ponder today, but i didn't want to pass of the chance to post this picture from Trixie and Dixie's daycare.

those kids don't seem to realize that drinking and smoking ruins your looks. sadly, their bad habits have already made them look older: these kids are only 9 weeks old.

tragic.

Today's Moment in Deliciousness

actually, let's take a few moments shall we?

this is Daniel Henney. he has made a couple big time movies. that showed in theaters. he also takes nice photos because he gets paid money to model. he also doesn't even speak Korean, which is totally perfect because neither do i.

which will totally make the dirty talk even easier!

oh, so THIS is music!

turn off your radio and shake a tail feather to this.

Pop Quiz

when you look at the cover of this YA book, what do you think it's about?






1) a young white female who has a credibility issue

2) a young white female who tells the truth and is branded a liar

3) a dark skinned african american female with natural hair who is a pathological liar

yeap, you guessed it!

old stuff

i found an old blog i started working on about 4 years ago and dropped. most likely because i started picking up whiskey bottles instead.

and if ya know me, ya know what i'm talking about.

however, some of the posts i still like and so here they are!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Militia Volunteers Needed

I read the news yesterday and found a story about a man from Canada who managed to make it into the country despite being stopped at the border with brass knuckes, a hatchet, a knife, and a bloody chainsaw. The border workers took his weapons, fingerprinted him, and waved him through to the US.

Well, I don't know about you, people, but this proves what I have long suspected:We need us some extra protection from the Canadian Jihad.

Right now in this country we have volunteers avidly watching portions of the Mexican/Texas border to make sure all the low paying, no benefits-having, menial, physical labor remains safe and stays in the hands of those who deserve it most: poor Americans.

But I'm telling you, we have got to start taking greater steps to verify citizenship to protect ourselves from the Threat from the North.

It's a rather simple things to do:If you happen to encounter a person who is White, Indian, Amerindian, Black, Asian, Arab, Hispanic, Latino, or of mixed race/ethinicty, who is Catholic, Christian, Baptist, Methodist, Seventh Day Adventist, Muslim, Buddist, Taoist, Presbyterian, Church of Chirst, or Athiest: check their papers!

He or she might be an "illegal alien" bent on world domination...One bloody chainsaw at a time.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

The Worthy Victim
FROM AN INTERVIEW WITH Paul Longmore, 1997

"The problem of modern social welfare policies in the 19th and 20th centuries comes to be how do you define, how do you identify, who's worthy of relief and who's unworthy?... There's an assumption that there are going to be a lot of people who are trying to manipulate the system ...There are two assumptions in the phrase "worthy poor," I think. One is that there are unworthy poor people, who, it's assumed, are poor because of some kind of willfulness, perversity, laziness, refusal to be productive and support themselves. The other assumption is, that the so-called worthy poor are people who are incapacitated and incapable of supporting themselves, probably due to sickness, disability, or old age. And what happens, more and more as time goes on, is that those so-called worthy poor are in their own way stigmatized.

"When it comes to celebrity justice, what we are really talking about is whether or not the purported victim is as perfect as the public relations and media juggernaut has tricked most people into thinking the celebrity on trial is. And if you are a person of even a teaspoon of depth, you can readily admit that you ain't perfect. So if you aren't perfect, and you have done dirt in your past...or not so distant past...like yesterday...then you need to understand that proving you were victimized by a celebrity is about as likely as Paris Hilton admitting "Yep, I'm racist... and I think That's Hot." http://www.nydailynews.com/news/gossip/story/237171p-203602c.html

Some of the people who have made recent high profile claims of victimization at the hands of celebrities have bene vilified for not being worthy of their victimization.

- R. Kelly makes a tape having sex with a little girl and everyone wants to know "where was her mama" and talk about how "young girls today are fast and think they're grown."

- Mike Tyson is accused of raping a beauty pageant contestant in Indiana and everyone wants to know "why'd she go to his hotel room in the middle of the night?"

- Robert Blake is accused of shooting his wife to death in their car with his gun after dinner and people want to know "how did a con artist like her make it this far before getting whacked?"

- Mystikal gets accused and convicted of forcing his hairstylist to perform oral sex on him and several of his friends on tape and people ask "why'd she do it? shiiiit, they'd have had to kill me!"

- Kobe Bryant is accused of raping a hotel employee and people asked "why did she go to his hotel room?" but not many asked "why was her blood on Kobe's t-shirt?"

We need to start being honest with ourselves and admit that what most juries appear to be looking for is the perfect victim, someone "worthy" of the benefit of the doubt. And then we need to be okay with the fact that rarely there is a victim that fits the profile of perfect. Maybe then juries can start dispensing justice instead of character indictments.

But until that day, we are saddled with a system in which jurors can say on national television "well, yes, i beleive he's a child molestor, but i don't think he molested THIS particular kid...because this kid's mother is crazy" and think that doesn't make them sound like crackheads.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

National Medical Records Database or The Day my Life Insurance got Cancelled

Senators Frist and Clinton are sponsoring a bill that would create a national database for medical records. They argue that this is a great thing and would increase the quality of healthcare because medical care providers would have ready access to a patient's complete medical chart without having to wait for records to arrive by mail and without having to worry about using incomplete health data.

But we also live in a society where banks can't keep people from stealing our account information and taking our money.

And we live in a society where the government wants ready and unchecked access to our private information to aid in the War on Terror.

And we live in a society where John Ashcroft attempted to gain access to the medical records of women who had abortions performed at a particular medical facility.

And we live in a society where Secret Service workers show up at your job, ask to speak to your boss and family members in an attempt to kindly pursuade you to remove some posts from your website.

And we live in a society where a student loan company started sending me bills that actually belonged to a woman who had the same name but different social security number.

Call me a cynic...please....but i can't help but feel like if this national database happens, there are going to be people who will have to prove that they don't really have histoplasmosis in order to get AFLAC coverage.

With the time and effort it takes to restore your name and credit once your identity has been stolen, what the hell would it take to refute and correct an error in your health chart?!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

65 million reasons why Brazilians ROCK!

Digging a tunnel in southern Brazil, complete with electricity for better visibility, from a house to a bank vault and making off scott free with $65 million dollars!The next time someone complains about not being able to bring him or herself to complete a simple task like folding laundry, tell them yes they can...and then tell them to shut the hell up.

But one thought: If you steal $65 million in Brazil, where do you go next?

Because if I got away with that much money...I'd go to Brazil!

Saturday, August 20, 2005

One for My Homies!

This is a special post for my friends who think I take things too seriously, don't know how to enjoy life, busy myself with politics too much, and/or need to lighten up:I give you my light-hearted post:

I saw a really cute pair of shoes today at the mall! I didn't get them, but I am thinking I'm definitley going back to get them tomorrow.

I wonder if that skirt I bought last week makes my butt look big...enough.

Do you like my hair better curly or straight?

I went to see Red Eye. Cillian Murphy has the bluest eyes in the world! And he is just weird enough that I would DEFINITLEY date him...you know, if he was into black chicks. and i didn't have a boyfriend.

The price per barrel of crude is so FUCKED UP...i mean....gas costs so much lately, i almost didn't have enough money to go to the club after filling up. haha. (...close one.)

now that i have given back to the masses, I can now feel welcome to resume my politically motivated, sarcasm laced postings.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

man! i was alot of fun four years ago! i would love to go back in time and take myself out for a DRANK!

...and i would still like mr. cillian murphy to ring me up!!

An Officer Acting Stupidly

ok, let's start from the beginning: a Boston police officer is suspended with pay for forwarding an email which referred to henry louis gates as a "banana-eating jungle monkey."

he apologizes for the email, saying he's not a racist, he's just prejudiced against people who behave the way professor gates behaved.

so basically, what's he saying is: "I'm not prejudiced against black people, i just don't like niggers!"

and as if things weren't bad enough, he does the absolutely absurd: he hires an attorney and sues!!

BOSTON, Massachusetts (CNN) -- A Boston police officer is suing the city after he was suspended for referring to a black Harvard professor as a "banana-eating jungle monkey" in an e-mail."If I'm charged with a crime I want a chance to answer. I want the chance for a fair hearing," Officer Justin Barrett told CNN on Tuesday.

Barrett has apologized and denied he is a racist.

His lawsuit claims his civil rights have been violated; Barrett's lawyer said the words referring to Henry Louis Gates, Jr. were misinterpreted.

"The choice of words were poor; but they weren't meant to characterize professor Gates as a banana-eating jungle monkey," attorney Peter Marano said. "They were meant in a response to behavior and characterizing the behavior. Not the person as a whole."

Marano said the city had effectively fired Barrett, though he is officially suspended with pay.
He said it was fair to hold Barrett to a higher standard than the general public because he is a police officer, but that he was still entitled to express his opinions.

"Being held to a higher standard shouldn't eradicate his right under the First Amendment for free speech. That is part and parcel of the lawsuit," the lawyer said.

oh, so he he thinks his civil rights have been violated because he was reprimanded by being suspended with pay for sending a racist email. he's being victimized because he's the true face of racial discrimination these days!

just ask Pat.

isn't it funny that some people always seem to think protection under the first amendement should somehow extend to not having to face the consequences of their speech?

amazing.

Of course she's not

so it turns out Karrine Steffans is not married. and she abuses her son. and she's like a stripper with a brain. and she's too messed up for even BOBBY BROWN to deal with. and she calls reporters from her cell phone and then hides it under the pillow so they hear the whole thing while she's having sex....are you PROUD of yourself, Tom Brokaw!!



so....do you think this will affect her talking points that she wrote this book because now that she's a married woman with two kids, she has some advice to share on how to find and keep a man???

meh, prolly not.

The Genesis of Quirky

and that's when Chloe Sevigny* decided to start making picture movies.....

*no that's not really chloe sevigny!

Facebook is the Graveyard of Dreams.

submitted without comment.

random Sunday

- i wonder if the birthers, who claim the Prez's Hawaiian birth certificate is fake are going to be equally pissed about the fact that Crazy Orly Taitz coughed up this totally faked Republic of Kenya birth certificate? nah, of course not.

- a mere 24 hours after asking "whatever happened to tempest bledsoe" i found out that she and her boyfriend are going to be on a new reality show called Househubands of Hollywood. they aren't married and they don't have kids. but he's a hollywood househusband. funny: in my neck of the woods, we call that a Lazy Ass Man Who Won't Work.

- if i took a national poll, what percentage of americans have screwed themselves over renting movies from red box?

- if they didn't take any naps all day today, why are trixie and dixie still awake at 10:42 pm?! this reminds me of the horror that was my maternity leave....please, i'm so tired. so very tired.

- how can i get will demps to notice me?



....i can do that.

- how do you pronounce acai? ah-kye? ah-see? ah-say? ah-sye-ee? fraud?

- WHY ARE THEY STILL AWAKE??