no, i'm not the police captain from Law & Order!

this story actually rated a double take/eyeroll/sigh from your's truly. how did he NOT know who he was on the panel with?


From Crooks and Liars:


During some of the media's endless coverage of the Fort Hood shootings today, Larry King brought in former POW Shoshana Johnson, Dr. Phil McGraw and former JAG officer Tom Kenniff to speculate about what the mindset of the accused attacker Nidal Malik Hasan may have been. When Kenniff called some of CNN's previous coverage on the topic "psycho-babble", tried to say that a ranking officer could not be suffering from PTSD and asserted that Hasan's motivations looked more like an act of terrorism because he has a Muslim name, Shoshana Johnson and Phil McGraw both rightfully called him out for it.

When Kenniff while attempting to counter McGraw and Johnson asked Johnson if she had ever been to Iraq, she had to remind him that she was a POW:

KENNIF: I spent a year in Iraq, ma'am. Have you ever been to Iraq?
JOHNSON: I'm a POW. I got shot.

Kenniff was obviously unaware that Johnson was in fact the first female African American POW in U.S. history.


Seriously, read the story, transcript and all.

tried and tried and tried to tell ya.

this is a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader. in black face. and body. i don't even have to do any research to asSURE you, she didn't mean it in an offensive way, is mortified that anyone would be offended, and sincerely apologizes to all those hypersensitive enough to catch a chip offended by her innocent actions. 

SHE JUST WANTED TO BE LIL' WAYNE, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT!!!!!

Give her what she wants, God.

and i love you too.

this is a screenshot of some of my cousins on Facebook. thanks to technology, we can now all shit talk each other virtually!

Thank you for creating the internets, Al Gore!!!

Pop Quiz

when you look at the cover of this YA book, what do you think it's about?






1) a young white female who has a credibility issue

2) a young white female who tells the truth and is branded a liar

3) a dark skinned african american female with natural hair who is a pathological liar

yeap, you guessed it!

A Pimp Called Govnah Sanford

i told my boss a few weeks ago, i said "boss! boss man! i need to take the week off with pay because i need to take my snuggle honey bunny outta town for some across state lines nookie, ya know what i'm saying!" and my boss said "bitch! you are not on break, so stop talking to me! now get back to work!"

true story.

which is why i gotta get a job like Mark Muthafuckin Sanford!!


bailamos, let the rhythm take you over, bailamosssssss.....


COLUMBIA, S.C. -- South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford has canceled his schedule this week to take a personal trip with his wife, three weeks after announcing his affair with an Argentine woman.
Spokesman Joel Sawyer said Wednesday the governor would be taking off the rest of this week for a trip out of state with first lady Jenny Sanford.
The Sanfords spent the July Fourth weekend in Florida, where Jenny Sanford's parents live. The governor and first lady were married in Florida 20 years ago. They have said they are trying to reconcile.
Sanford left the state June 18, returning six days later. He admitted to an extramarital affair with a woman he called his "soul mate" and said he misled his staff into thinking he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail.
Sawyer says state meetings Sanford had scheduled this week have been postponed until next week.

he is so fortunate that the business of running a state hasn't gotten in the way AT ALL with his and his wife's and his soul-mate's love lives.

but i think we can all agree, the voters (yes, all 19 of them) of South Carolina are the luckiest of all!

can ya still call social services when the kid is over 18?

last weekend, i decided to watch Brooke Knows Best. i had never seen the show but i found myself watching it this weekend because it came on, i was lying on the couch, and the remote was in the kitchen.

taking all of those facts into account, i quickly deduced that watching the show didn't sound as undesirable as getting up and walking across the room. i would imagine that the Hogans have laziness to thank for much of the show's ratings.

so, lucky lucky me, i happened to see the episode in which Hulk Hogan introduced his daughter to his new girlfriend. because, ya see, Hulk and Linda have separated and hooked up with new people. Linda, much to the irritation of Hulk and Brooke, has been jumping up and down on a 19 year old boy who went to high school with Brooke.

but at no time at all during this episode did anyone blink, give a double take, or openly retch at the fact that the Hulk is basically effing his daughter.


Hulk and Brooke, Hulk and Jennifer....er, wait. wait. meh, i dunno.

listen i can totally empathize with Brooke's feelings. it cannot be easy to watch your mom have an affair with someone not even of legal age while living in the house you spent much of your childhood. but for the life of me, i cannot understand why NO ONE is pointing out how wrong this situation right here is!


"i have no idea why people say we look alike!" "who put this talking mirror beside me!!"

during this episode, Hulk invited Brooke and Jennifer out to dinner to introduce them, telling them repeatedly how much they had in common! Jennifer works for Delta, Brooke flies Delta (Continental, she answers dryly), Jennifer love the sun, Brooke loves the Sun, Jennifer loves the outdoors, Brooke loves the outdoors...

the hair on my neck was standing up waiting for the "Jennifer looks like Brooke, Brooke looks like Jennifer, Jennifer looks at my dick...."

no, my mind cannot complete the sentence.

so, i don't know, in my opinion having sex with a girl who looks like your kid is WAY worse than having sex with someone else's 19 year old kid. but here' s something to consider:

is it possible, Jennifer, that Hulk is with you because you look like a younger version of Linda?

i bet that pisses her off more than looking like Brooke.

Good Idea [bad ideas]

most youngsters like to do things that push the envelope with society and especially with their parents. i for one didn't stop pushing until i'd gotten my nose pierced. but that was two tattoos and 4 piercings later.

when i got my navel pierced, i remember asking the heavily tattooed and studded piercer "is this going to hurt?" and she lied through her lip ring and said "no, not at all."

in hindsight....and hindsight came 2 seconds after she stuck me with the needle....i realized that you cannot take the advice from someone who clearly has an entirely different pain threshold than you do.

which brings me to this little chickadee right here.


behold Kimberley Vlaeminck, an 18 year-old Belgian teen who went to a parlor with the intention of getting three wittle bitty stars on her face.

actually, what had happened was...

"I wanted him to tattoo on just three little points but he suggested three stars, saying it would look prettier. When he started the tattooing I didn't want to feel the pain and so I went to sleep. I had got up at five in the morning."

and what to her wondering eyes did appear?

56 black stars.

now i must admit, she had me when she said she fell asleep and slept through the entire process. that's as mystical and unbelievable as when women say they had painless labor. and by that i mean, "that heffa is lying." can someone please let her know there's a difference between"falling asleep" and "passing out?"

what makes this even more unbelievable is the fact that she chose to close her eyes on this guy right here:



yes, THIS is the tattooist. a perfect study in moderation, am i right?

and he says the girl never "fell asleep" and knew exactly how many stars he'd put on her head and face.

well, of course she did.

but that doesn't change the fact that no one should go to this guy for tattoos or piercings if they're hoping for a cute little sketch of tinkerbell on their ankle, let alone 3 little points, whatever the hell that even means.

i think the lawsuit should be dismissed solely on the fact that the thing she needs the most [COMMON SENSE] is not something she can be awarded in court.

next.

sometimes the blind items are just too easy [brown paper douchebag]

the ny daily news posted this deliciously easy blind item:

WICKED WHISPERS: Which male music diva kicked a billionaire out of his house — just because he put his dirty feet on a pristine white couch?

now, we all know who this refers to, right??

so much for a clean criminal record

more good news from south carolina! there may be a lot going on in the palmetto state that leaves alot to be desired. sure sure sure, the schools are crap, the governor is crazy, and nobody likes gorillas. but there is one thing you simply cannot take away from them jokers down there: they do NOT tolerate anyone messing with The Scoob!

CHARLOTTE, N.C. -- A Carowinds employee was arrested this weekend after allegedly helping someone win a stuffed animal.

Joshua Long, 19, is charged with breach of trust with fraudulent intent, according to a York County Sheriff's Office report.

Deputies say Long is accused of helping someone cheat on a game and win a giant Scooby Doo worth $109.

According to the report, the game involved flipping a ring so that it landed on a bottle. The alleged incident happened Saturday afternoon.

The person who won the Scooby Doo was not charged. Investigators say it's unclear whether the two knew each other.

now, i know what you're thinking. you're thinking how in the world could a stuffed animal be worth $109 and why would anyone want a Scooby Doo, they don't even play the cartoons on tv anymore!

does it qualify as irony that the business accusing an employee of theft is ripping off customers by having them play impossible carny games to try to win a stuffed animal they've marked the price up on?

i know one thing for certain: it seems a wee bit heavy-handed of Carowinds to have this kid arrested over something like this. i mean, it's not like he grew dreadlocks or anything!

cmon, Carowinds! where's the love!

What's WRONG with these People??

as you have probably heard, the prez and the missus had another fantastic date night, taking in a show in NYC. here i was thinking it was a nice, romantic moment shared by two people clearly in love...well, thank the LERD for Rick Santorum, who let me know it not only served as an example but...kinda....overshot the mark?



Take it Rick!

Number one, I think it's great that the president has a date night with his wife. He's a role model.He's a role model in particular, whether he likes it or not, in the African-American community.

right on, right on...

Here we have a president of the United States who says that marriage is cool. You have respect for your wife, and you treat her with the respect and dignity that she deserves. And she is part of this team. And it's not just part of professional team, but it's also part of a personal, romantic team. I think that's all great. So I think it's important that he keeps having his date night.

yes, that is great. especially since we've never had a married president before. wait...wait, we have, but black people haven't been influenced by the marriages of white people. we only respond when we see other black people doing something. kinda like running away from a club shooting.

wait, what?

I think he has to realize that flying to New York is self-indulgent. Go down to the corner bar and have a drink, a shot and a beer. It does not matter where you go with your wife, is that it's with your wife. That's really the point... I would make the argument, the simpler the date, the more normal it is.

...did this dude just suggest that the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES should take THE FIRST LADY to a bar and just have a drink? why in the world would the man holding the most important office in our country do that, Rick?


It connects to people. Here is what you do. Here is how you do it. And it is not going to Broadway. All right, once in awhile, you do something special. But it is mundane that really makes the marriage special, but because you are with your wife the mundane isn't mundane. It's special.

so, by saying connects with people, he means black people. because black people don't go to new york and they don't go to broadway plays. and a black woman is not going to think it very special to fly her to another city and treat her to a broadway show! nah, nah, naaaaaaaah....here's what you do....here's how you do it: take her to Smitty's for a couple shots of aristocrat, then head on back to the criz-zib, play some big daddy kane, and work it OUT.

huh.

you know i just cannot take it. i cannot even begin to climb that mountain that this man has laid out in front of me. i can only say a few things before i completely degrade and start screaming at my computer:

1) rick santorum is no expert on marriage and no one asked his advice. so what's with the paternalistic, condescending attitude? why does this guy, who's about the same age as Obama, and who lost his re-election bid think he can tell the President how to date his wife?

2) by suggesting the president merely go to a bar for some shots instead of taking his wife to nyc to broadway is absurd. and i know he isn're really going to go there with something being "self-indulgent" when Dubya used Air Force One regularly to travel to and from his private ranch in Crawford, TX. do you now how much it costs to use Air Force One per hour? over $50,000. it's a 2 hour flight from DC. and he visited Crawford 77 times during his administration. do the math.

3) this script follows all too closely to what many people of color have experienced in this society by our paler, well-meaning neighbors. it's patronizing, infuriating, and biased thinking based on racist notions of the black community.

4) with regards to the usual complaints at this junction of any race conversation of someone "always playing the race card" i have this to say: if you don't want me to play the race card, quit dealing from that particular deck.

modeling FAIL

nice effort, but not everyone needs to be modeling scoop neck jumpsuits. especially those of us who have stretch marks on our necks.

it's all so new and great until you realize it's just all the same crap over and over and then you drop dead.

at the beginning of the year, i was online looking at people dancing in their own videos and stumbled across a video of three women dancing to a beyonce song i'd not heard before.

i thought the song, Ego, was the usual (theatrical) beyonce crap but what really brought it home for me was the badly shaped afro wigs the dancers were wearing. plus they were doing their thing, working it out for the love of their beyonce.

welllll just today i was reading a blog that had a link to beyonce's "new" video for her song Ego. i wasn't really surprised to see the same video as before with some notable changes (like the fact that the cheap afro wigs were replaces with stylized naturals and...well...boobs and buns).

but the thing that really got me? beyonce's eye make-up. the fact that they gave her a much more almond shaped eye. kinda like the natural eye of the girl in the first video!

nooooo, i'm not trying to say beyonce copied the other girls' video, not at all. i'm just saying i saw the amateur video first then say beyonce's "new" video today. and if the first video was just something produced by the choreographer, fine fine fine.

but WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH THE SHAPE OF BEYONCE'S EYES!!! why is her make-up done to give her a more Asian appearance?

canya help me with this?






and yes dammit, i get the fact that "ego" is a euphemism! you don't have to keep giving up the coochie shot to clue us in!

you mean we're not even doing Contemporary American Negro right??

the summer before my senior year in high school, i had the opportunity to study music at a prestigious boarding school in massachusetts. this trip not only marked the first time i'd been on an airplane, the first time i'd been out of the state, and the first time i met native americans, it was also the first time i was in a position of not only finding myself a racial minority, but a socio-economic minority as well.

the only way i could go to this school was because i qualified for a scholarship which paid for my tuition, room and board. but i was attending summer session with many, many kids who didn't need anyone but mommy and daddy to write the checks to get their tuition paid.

while there studying violin, i had classes in individual performance, chamber groups, and voice and spent quite a bit of time with the kids who were there for the same reason. We ate together, saw each other all day in the same classes over and over, and performed in recitals and full concerts together. i was feeling pretty cozy with my mostly white and asian cohorts, palling around during breaks in class. and during one of these breaks, i got schooled. and i mean SCHOOLED!

one of my classmates, a cellist with long straight blond hair and hilfiger/lacoste gear was talking about an issue near and dear to her heart and the heart of her sister and mother: apartheid.

now i wasn't stupid, i knew what she was talking about. i'd heard of stephen biko. i'd heard of nelson and winnie mandela! but here's where i was slipping in my pimpin. apparently, that wasn't GOOD ENOUGH.

my classmate looked at me while telling a group of us about an anti-apartheid rally she and her family had attended and asked if I had been participating in such rallies. I said no. and then, i got chided: "YOU don't participate in apartheid rallies? don't YOU care about AFRICA??"

no, i'm not kidding you.

i was truly, seriously taken aback by her statement and at that time i couldn't really get past my reaction of "no this rich white girl did NOT just tell me i'm less black because she cares more about africa than i do!"

oh, yes she did.

and all of this brings me the curious case of Asher Roth. recently Asher, whose music is crap, made the news when he went to Rutgers for god knows what and decided to twat about it on Twatter...

"At Rutgers stirring up a ruckus. Been a day of rest and relaxation, sorry Twitter - hanging out with some nappy headed hoes..."

after getting chopped almost immediately for talking crazy, Asher apologized by stating he was just making fun of Don Imus and was sorry if he offended anyone!

let's follow Asher on the wild and wacky ride he calls logical reasoning:

in order to make fun of Don Imus, Asher decided to repeat that fucked up shit Imus said about the women's basketball team. because by doing that, it's going to cause people to laugh at IMUS.

oh. okay.

Asher has since used his dominant intelligence to shed some light on what exactly is wrong with black rappers today:

"When I dropped [the 'A Milli' freestyle] I thought, 'You guys are always going off about how much money you have. Do you realize what's going on in this world right now,'" Roth said. "All these black rappers - African rappers - talking about how much money they have. 'Do you realize what's going on in Africa right now?' It's just like, 'You guys are disgusting. Talking about billions and billions of dollars you have. And spending it frivolously, when you know, the Motherland is suffering beyond belief right now.'" (Canadian Press)

oh, yes he did. the white kid who hit the charts talking about how much he loves college is calling out black rappers...i mean...African rappers...for acting like life's a party while the MOTHERLAND is suffering.

just in case you're confused...because he can be confusing...dude is not talking about actual, literal, African rappers. no, no! he's calling black american rappers African. as if Baltimore is a township in Mozambique.

and with all this focus on the black/African/rapper problem of enjoyment of material things while the "Motherland" is suffering, why does he not look inside and wonder "why am i talking about how wonderful and carefree my life is in college when my brothers and sisters are suffering without educations and teeth in APPALACHIA" instead of chiding black people for not being more humble in solidarity with the entire continent of Africa, which is suffering, and i mean, suffering greatly.

what is this thing...this thing that causes the children to talk this way? where do they get this insufferable position of authority and knowledge from?

Jay Smooth and Dan Charnas had a talk about it, like to hear it, here it go:



i can only hope that Asher is arrogant enough to google his name everyday and will therefore stumble across this video. if so, i hope it sparks some self awareness. someone has got to stop him before he starts schooling black chicks on why it's a sad expression of self-hatred to relax our hair.

i left work early, stood in line 4 hours, and got a raincheck for THIS?

do you really think oprah would eat this crap? her richie-rich tastebuds would run screaming from her big rich head at the mere notion.

THIS is supposed to be kfc's healthier chicken. see? it's not fried, it's grilled. er...gried? and don't those "chargrilled" marks look like what the demon scratched out on the little girl's stomach in The Exorcist?

why must the proletariat always eat crap?!

How Dreadful.

don't you hate it when your meal sucks?

FAIL

this cute as a button kid model is being called a dead ringer for sasha obama.

apparently, we shouldn't let the fact that she looks nothing like sasha stop us from saying she does...or...something.

and the booking agents apparently aren't letting the fact that she looks nothing like sasha stop them from booking her for photo shoots portraying the first kid.

reminds me of the time i was told at a wedding reception that i look just like that lovely girl will smith is married to...what's that? why yes, i WAS the only black person at the wedding! how did you know?

If he just went ahead and kissed a boy, i bet he'd like it.

let's take a moment to consider 1) american idol, 2) simon cowell, and 3) rock bottom.

american idol brought it's usual freak show to the airwaves this past week. along with the obligatory horrible singers, we now have a new bitchy judge, and paula going from spaceball to slightly less popular mean girl who only talks shit if she's sure she's got backup, and who then runs to the bathroom to throw up her lunch.

yeah, paula has become Heather Duke....

and of course we have simon's usual stale gay jokes.

simon is one of those guys that always seems to take it there: no matter what the topic of discussion, he's gonna bring it back around to dudes kissing dudes on the pee-pee. and i thought the word was out on this type of behavior, but apparently not. therefore, let me break it down like a scene from Yo Gabba Gabba:

when a seemingly straight man constantly cracks on gay men, it is because he secretly wants to kiss a gay man because he is secretly a gay man. those of us comfortable in our sexuality know this, and these sad fools are not tricking anyone.

i know a guy who constantly talks about the "gay guys" at his gym who want to sleep with him and yet he is constantly walking around buck-ass-naked around these same men. and yeah, i understand that's what happens in locker rooms, but on the treadmill?? a.little.much.

but i digress...

so here is simon, seeing a male contestant coming into the room, thinking "i'd like to kiss his pee-pee...maybe he'd like to kiss my pee-pee?....wait a minute, i can't want that, i have to like women otherwise my mother will never forgive me...must throw everyone off the trail while my erection shrinks...HE'S GAY...MUST RIDICULE HIM...breastsbreastsbreastsbreasts!"

or some shit.

but as i've stated, it's the oldest trick in the book (second oldest?) and it fools absolutely no one. which brings us to rock bottom:

“In my opinion, Simon Cowell is the biggest queen on TV. To me, he gives off a ‘bi/gay’ vibe and tends to carry on with bitchy, campy commentary. I know a lot of gay men and Simon seems to me like a ‘gay wannabe.’” - Randy Jones, the cowboy from The Village People.

now, listen: when you get called out by a member of the village people, you just need to go ahead and kiss a boy on the mouth, because now it's just embarrassing.

so here's to you, simon: go on ahead and kiss a boy! it's really great, i highly recommend it! but don't let it be ryan...i heard that bitch has lip herpes.

a question begs a question begs a question:

me: i feel like i'm in a rut. can you suggest something that i can do to bring some pizazz into my life?

he: did you not know this was going to happen when you had kids?

me (inside voice): couldn't your mother have just had an abortion and spared us all??

but that's MY nickname!!

Submitted without comment:

Drunken Negro Cookies.

Talk amongst yourselves.