If you get the stitches then you have to do the dishes.

You know that moment when you are so hungry, the only think you can fixate on is eating that one meal that will make it all okay? the one meal that is going to make it the clanging and desperation in your stomach disappear...and then here comes someone messing it all up with their annoying bullshit and bothersome drama and screaming and running and blooWAIT WHAT?!?

Stanley Neace, a Kentucky Man Shoots, Kills Five over Wife’s Botched Breakfast

A man who was fighting his landlord over an eviction order to oust him from his home because of his explosive temper apparently went too far on Saturday.


Stanley Neace became upset over the way his wife had prepared his breakfast eggs so he shot her to death, together with his stepdaughter and three of his neighbors.

Trooper Jody Sims of the Kentucky State Police told the press that the 47 year old Neace murdered the five in Eastern Kentucky at about 11.30am on Saturday. He then went home and turned the gun on himself. Police found his body on the porch of his Jackson, KY trailer.

According to Sherri Ann Robinson, who is related to one of the shooting victims, the assailant was distressed over the way his breakfast was prepared and had scared his wife Sandra so much that she ran to a neighbor’s home for help.

Neace pursued his wife and in the end five people lay dead –his wife Sandra, her daughter also called Sandra, and neighbors Dennis Turner, Teresa Fugate and Tammy Kilborn.

wow. so "botched breakfast" is the new euphemism for "domsetic violence." that's a horrifying shame. i'm getting so sick and tired of these stories of men blanking out and taking violent measures against loved ones when all they're trying to do is eat some....pigs feet....in....bed....
 
Woman cuts drunk man while eating pigs' feet in bed, police say

Police in Rock Hill are investigating after they say a man eating pig's feet in bed was assaulted.

Officers with the Rock Hill Police Department were called out to a home along Twitty Court on Saturday, to the report of a man stabbed.


When officers arrived they spoke to the suspect, whose name has not been released, who says she was sitting in bed with Tommy Barber, 50, eating pig's feet.

While they were eating, the suspect told police the knife accidentally cut Barber, resulting in a deep cut on his arm.

Barber was unable to give officers a statement because he was highly intoxicated, the police report stated.

The suspect was charged with Assault and Battery of a High and Aggravated Nature. Police are still investigating the case.

well.

look i'm not going to act like i haven't experienced severe food related disappointment. i'm not even going to go into the little "incident" in which i choked out a waitress at IHOP because i'd ordered my eggs fried hard but received them runny as snot. but that was the past. i've grown. and i'm still on probation.

anyhoo, i'm just saying that perhaps instead of shooting each other and stabbing each other and beating each other and detroying property over chicken nuggets...we should perhaps relax and put things in perspective.

i mean other than the eggs, none of this stuff was real food anyway. how you gonna cash someone's check over chum and partially hydrogenated fake chicken slabs?

no, we should all calm down and remember that there is only one thing worth maiming your fellow man over:

bourbon.

Adult Swim Can Kiss My Entire Ass.

as many of my friends now, i am and have been for some time a cartoon addict. now back in the day, i used to watch Cartoon Network regularly, no matter what time of day it was. And trust, i get it honest, because there were many times when my mother and i would have rousing conversations about Cow and Chicken.

however, for the most part i find myself only watching after 11 pm, just in time for Adult Swim. now for those of you who don't know, Adult Swim signifies the programming that is more adult themed.

and i love it.

or, at least i did.

a few things happened this week that certainly harshed my buzz. now, i'm not sure if i'm going to boycott Cartoon Network altogether (as noted in the strongly worded letter i will most likely send), or if i'm just going to stop watching the particular shows that i find problematic.

the day before yesterday i was watching Robot Chicken, an animated show that has stop action dolls instead of traditional animation. each episode runs about 15 mintues and consists of a series of short gags separated by television static, giving the impression that you're channel surfing.

the scene that made me say "oh, damn. really, Adult Swim?" was a parody of The Giving Tree. it showed a selfish little boy making the Giving Tree give him an apple because he was hungry, shade because he was hot, etc. The then boy grows up and demands that the tree give him wood to build a house. The man then starts chopping off branches from the tree, while the tree is all like "ouch! ow! hey!" and shit.

finally the man comes to the tree and asks for something else, and the tree directs him to another tree....the man walks over to that tree and starts demanding something. then, the second tree grabs the man, turns him around, pulls his pants down showing his arse, and riiiiight before we see the sodomy...the first tree says "oh, that's the Rape Tree!"

get it? rape happens to men who totally deserve it as retribution for wrongdoing. that's why we want men to go to prison!

ha ha ha?

and then, last night, not to be outdone, Aqua Teen Hunger Force took Adult Swim to an all new level of "WHAT IN THE FUCK AM I EVEN WATCHING RIGHT NOW"-ness, the likes of which i haven't experienced since that episode Metalocalypes where the escaped inmate ate a live baby. Yes, That Really Happened.

anyway.

in this particular episode (and bear with me, it's gonna sound crack-crazy), Frylock, Master Shake, and Meatwad were in a Scooby Doo cartoon with a girl named Tabitha who was playing Velma. Well, they were running from the Number 100, who had a diabolical plan for the team. When Number 100's plans were foiled, he headbutted Tabitha to make her shut up and then came up with an alternative plan...



"well....can i at least take her into the woods, rape her, and behead her, possibly not even in that order?"

"uh....jeenkies?"

(laugh track)

"i don't know man...better not...she came with the van..."

(laugh track)

seriously? am i serioulsy seeing this?

and the part where the Number 100 carries her off into the woods and you can hear her crying....is this when the hilarious rape happens or the hilarious beheading?

now, it's one thing that the douchbag writers of these shows would act as if they have no idea that rape is a, oh i don't know, LIFE SHATTERING VIOLENT CRIME...as opposed to a subject to make a lame ass joke about. it's quite another thing for the poeple responsible for approving content  for broadcast to allow these shows to air with this content.

i mean, it's not like they'd expect people who have surivived rape to watch these shows....or even expect people who know someone who was raped and murdered..."possibly not even in that order"....to watch these shows either. right?

and i'm not even going to talk about the children who watch Cartoon Network during the day who may be rape victims too.

well, i think i've decided how i'm going to handle this situation. as much as i love watching old episodes of King of the Hill and Family Guy, TBS shows them too so whatever, mufukahs.

i'll be sure to update you as to how Cartoon Network responds to my email, if they respond at all.

Today's Moment in Deliciousness.

This guy right there.

I would like to think his personality is a wonderful as I imagined it to be. That would make the restraining order and probation for stalking totes worth it.

oh, who am i kidding....he could kill baby rabbits in his basement with a hammer while dressed in footie pajamas and a ukelele hanging on his back, and I'd be all like "there's something about him that just draaaaaaws me near."

yeah, that "something" is the horrible lack of wisdom which drives my libido. because fast on the heels of the previous thought would be "besides, anybody THAT damn crazy has GOT to be a freak!" but that's another story for another blog post....

anyhooo, here's Mr. Tasty-Tasty: Desmond Harrington

it's been a wild month!

hi, how are ya? so much has happened since the last time we chatted, right?

Health Care Reform, Andrew Breitbart proving he's the shiniest tool in the box, a 15 year old pimpin out her 7 year old sisters, Demi getting pissed at Kim for saying she's Big Pimpin, Jesse James (the one married to Sandra, not my favorite one) proving himself to be a lowlife, two of the most beautiful people i can think of broke up (making my chest hurt for them because the kids would have been blindingly beautiful), Erykah making a bold statement and letting the haters prove her point, Tiger Woods' kindergarten teacher acting all butt hurt over some shit CHARLES BARKELY wrote about in a book nobody read a few years back....it's been wild.

it's so much to talk about, i could be here all day trying to get it done. so i'm going to leave you with a few observations and a promise to blog more regularly:

1) I call Bullshit!

2) i love my Prez but WTF, man.

3) Erykah BaDONK.

4) a tidbit about instincts: unless you have a diagnosable imbalance, yeah, your instincts are probably on point. listen closely and act accordingly.

5) ChatRoulette? never leave me.

6) nothing says "damn this is a fine cup of joe" like patriarchal engagement/marriage rituals. The Best Part of Waking Up is Your Dad giving your Vajayjay Away!

that's all i got, faithful reader. until our next WTF moment...

When is it cool to play the Race Card?

When you need it to convince women of color that you know what's best for them.

ATLANTA — For years the largely white staff of Georgia Right to Life, the state’s largest anti-abortion group, tried to tackle the disproportionately high number of black women who undergo abortions. But, staff members said, they found it difficult to make inroads with black audiences.


So in 2009, the group took money that it normally used for advertising a pregnancy hot line and hired a black woman, Catherine Davis, to be its minority outreach coordinator.


Ms. Davis traveled to black churches and colleges around the state, delivering the message that abortion is the primary tool in a decades-old conspiracy to kill off blacks.

......
Still, enough threads of truth weave through the theory to make “Maafa 21,” the documentary whose name is a Swahili word used to refer to the slavery era, persuasive to some viewers, at least at a recent screening at Morris Brown College, a historically black institution in Atlanta.


“Before we saw the movie, I was pro-choice,” said Markita Eddy, a sophomore. But were she to get pregnant now, Ms. Eddy said, “it showed me that maybe I should want to keep my child no matter what my position was, just because of the conspiracy.”   (Source)


There are so many crazy-making angles to how our society treats unwanted pregnancy, financially unprepared mothers, and poor families and children.

If you get pregnant when you didn't want to, then you're stupid because you shoulda used birth control; if you decide to terminate the pregnancy, you're a baby killer; if you have the baby even though you can't afford it and ask for help, you're a drain on the system and a welfare queen; if there is no room in your budget to pay off the medical bills incurred for your child's birth, your credit rating is going down; and if you try to move your broke ass into a good neighborhood, you're the reason crime goes up and property values go down...if you can find anyone to take your section 8 voucher.

but now, if you terminate a pregnancy, you're an unwitting part of a vast conspiracy to rid the world of black children.

*eye.roooollll.*

instead of looking at the reasons why black women make up such a large percentage of women who choose pregnancy termination and address them, it's surely much easier to blame it racist conspiracy, the rain, and the ah-ah-ah-alcohol. because if the the focus is shifted to fake racist theory, the real questions about how and why institutional racism continues to negatively impact that lives of blacks are forgotten and pushed to the back burner. i'd be willing to bet that the majority of black women choosing pregnancy termination are also low-income.

while it's not really that surprising that the Pro-Life movement would try to appeal to blacks in this way, i do find it very interesting that it's suddenly OK to whip out that dreaded, hated, often duplicataed Race Card.

and by "interesting," i mean cynical and disingenuous.

Today's Moment in Deliciousness with a twist of ....wait, are you ugly?

have you heard of this actor, this Seth Gilliam? seen him around in some films? tv shows?

well it's not like he's new to the scene, but an interesting thing happened while watching him a few years ago on The Wire. I decided he was very handsome and i needed him in my life.

but i gotta wonder...was it the lighting? did they use a Super Hot Guy Filter on the lense...which they clearly took off the camera when filming this guy right here...

and i wondered whyyyyy had it taken me so long to realize that i love him and need him beside me always?

well the answer, my friend, is blowing around on the internets:

the dude just might be ugly.

or is he?

behold, the many illusions of Seth Gilliam, the man who would make me say with all honesty "the answer will always be yes. unless no is required."

hello there, daddy.

wait....wait....th-this can't be right....where is my sexy chocolate drop?

oh, there you are, my little piece of tiny deliciousness! you had me scared there for a moment. promise me you'll never leave me again. promise?

WHAT IN THE BUBBA GUMP SHRIMP COMPANY FUCK ARE YOU WEARING ON YOUR HEAD, THERE, MAN! CMON NOW!

you know what...i'm not even doing this with you. just when you build me up with your handsome self, you let me back down. i'm so disgusted with you right now over that hat and shirt, i never want to see you again. okay i forgive you. you sexy soandsosuchandsuchingSUCH!!

*sigh* i just can't do it.

it would appear either one of two things is possibly happening here. either 1) i'm just not that into him with hair or an abundant beard or joy and life in his eyes or 2) the characters he plays are way more compelling than his actual personality.

if he were so inclined, he could do the ladays a solid and spend more time looking all stern and bald and punitive and unhappy.

just sayin.

Grandparents say the DARNDEST THANGS!

"now who is the pretty little red-headed white woman in that movie?"

Mrs. Gooch, unknowingly asking about Beyonce after watching Obsessed.

My Soul Just Died a Death of One Thousand Cuts

or Gone With the Wind, Part III: Fly Butterfly, FLY!

ps.

Radar wants his shirt back.

Can You Spot the Difference?

let's play a a little game:

watch these two videos and see if you can spot the difference. it's gonna be harder than you think!





if your guess is "oh, one of those videos is animated!" i would disagree: the dancer booty poppin in the middle of the first video was puhlenty animated.

if your guess is "one of the videos has the white house in the background" i would again disagree to a point: Uncle Ruckus is singing at a mansion garden party. and the mansion is, indeed, large and white.

no, the major difference between these two videos is that Uncle Ruckus didn't beat around the bush. he got right down to calling a spade a "spade."

thanks for playing this edition of Can You Spot the Difference? join me for our next round:

Humanitarian Adoption or Child Trafficking? and don't forget the BONUS ROUND!

What is WRONG with these people???

south carolina. YOU again with your ol' bullshit....

At a recent town hall meeting, South Carolina's Lieutenant Governor Andre Bauer criticized the children of poor families, using an impressively dehumanizing metaphor and flunking basic causality in the process.

Bauer, who is running for the Republican nomination for governor, made his remarks during a town hall meeting in Fountain Inn that included state lawmakers and about 115 residents.

"My grandmother was not a highly educated woman, but she told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals. You know why? Because they breed. You're facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don't think too much further than that. And so what you've got to do is you've got to curtail that type of behavior. They don't know any better," Bauer said.

In South Carolina, 58 percent of students participate in the free and reduced-price lunch program. (Source)

 
as you can see, Andre has extensive personal experience with poverty.
 
now, Andre has taken it upon himself to respond to the criticism regarding his comments by stating this on his personal blog:
 
My suggestion to require parents of children who receive free lunches to attend parent-teacher conferences is simply a common-sense idea to help break the cycle of dependency, while at the same time providing a better education and a brighter future for the children affected.
 
Requiring drug testing for adults receiving tax-funded benefits is also just good, plain, common-sense.

Yes, I am speaking out for such requirements, even though they may be “politically incorrect” in the eyes of the news media. It’s better for the children, it’s better for the taxpayers, and, in the end, offering a hand up instead of a hand out will be better for those who have become taxpayer dependents.

Americans are a compassionate people who will always help their brothers who are truly in need. But we cannot and will not allow those who are simply “riding the system” to continue to do so without consequence.

but what of the feeding stray animals only causing them to breed comment? no mention on his blog.

i'm so over this whole idea that the solution to poverty is for people to decide to stop being poor. but i must admit the whole "maybe we should refuse to feed them, then they'll be too weak to fuck" argument is a new one to me.

i can only imagine what his next suggestion might be....

just when i thought this guy was alright by me, based on his "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW" response to the Luv Guv clandestine trips abroad to be with his soulmate, he goes and proves that above all: he's a South Carolinian...and they are stupid.

i'm not kidding that i'm about sick of this state, man. if it's not for the drivers acting like assholes on I-77, it's the politishuns acting like assholes in DC.

i woulder if YaVaughnie would be willing to drop a few thou on some billboards telling them to STFU?

Act like a monkey, think like a jackal

this morning on the steve harvey morning show, a woman wrote in for advice in her love life. she stated she'd been raped by a childhood friend and was slowly but surely piecing her life back together. she wanted to know if, now that she's met a young man she fancies, it was necessary to tell him about her rape history.

i missed the specific response to the question but i did here mr. steve harvey "keeping it real" with regards to child rapists.

basically, any man can get sex from a willing adult female for $20. why would he have to take it, especially from a 5 year old.

yes, yes, that's right, the dude who made a kajillion dollars recently giving relationship advice, who has been on Oprah and other talk shows telling womens about ourselves, has the solution to the rape of girl children:

the sexual exploitation of desperate adult women.

because believe me, a woman who is having sex with strangers for $20 is desperate, broken,....and very likely a survivor of childhood sexual trauma.

shet up, steve harvey. leave the theorizing on the reasons behind and solutions to childhood rape to people who already know it's not about sex.

stick with what you know: cosmetic dentistry and love handles.

now isn't that interesting.

The one thing i've noticed over the last couple of days as the media has dragged out every black person they can get their mitts on to talk about the Harry Reid comment is that most of these blacks have dark skin.

For instance, on Sunday morning I saw Donna Brazille on CNN saying she's forgivin Harry Reid for his statement , referencing his glorious history of support of black folks in this country.

you know Donna, right?

And just this morning on CNN, Roland Martin talked about how Harry Reid is a nice guy civil rights has a history yadda yadda yadda, blah blah blah, Colin Powell. yes, he did.

you know Roland, right?

immediately after Roland's segment, there was a news story about Mark Mcguire by another CNN reporter. and what do you know...

yeap, you guessed it: a light skinned black with no "negro" dialect.

I'm gonna go ahead and throw my hat into the ring: knowing what we know about what racism and colorism and the benefits of assimilating as black americans, why exactly are we mad at Harry Reid about?

is it what he said or the fact that his statement is the truth?

when issues are forced

yesterday, i had a conversation with a friend and asked her if she'd created any new year's resolutions. she said no, she hadn't. i stated i hadn't either and settled on the fact that i didn't really think i needed to make promises to myself to change anything.

then today, a few moments ago actually...i took a reader's survey on a blog i read regularly. question number 8 crystallized the wackness of my existence right now:

(click to enlarge)

so apparently, all i do regularly is watch tv, drink wine, surf the web, and die a little bit everyday...i'm in desperate need of a life overhaul.

damn.

and i thought things were going so well...