the sanfords are wack

just when i thought the clusterfuck that is mark sanford imploding and basically sending love note missives to his maria in arhentina through hastily assembled press conferences couldn't get any more clusterfucky, now the one person i was hoping had a grasp on reality has let it be known that she too is a total loontard.

Picture it, South Carolina, 2009....your husband sneaks out of the state for 5 days, flies to Arhentina to visit his mistress, then comes back and tells everyone with a microphone the mistress is his soul mate but he's gonna try to fall back in love with you, refers to his affair as a love story at the end of the day, tells everyone how he even tried to get you to meet the mistress once or twice or eight times, and then further puts your business on the street by admitting there were other women floating through your marriage of 20 years.

so what do you? well if you're jenny sanford, you say something cuhrazy like this:

"Mark has stated that his intent and determination is to save our marriage, and to make amends to the people of South Carolina. I hope he can make good on those intentions, and for the sake of our boys."

ya hearing this? he SAID it's his intention of saving the marriage...even though he lied about his whereabouts over father's day weekend to fly to south america to kick it with maria belen. AND AFTER HE WAS EXPRESSLY FORBIDDEN TO DO IT, THAT CAD!

well there ya go, that's got sincerity written all over it.

Jenny Sanford: going from American Hero to typical politician doormat in 1 easy step.

us, weakly...

foolishly, in my thirst for celebrity gossip, i have allowed Us Weekly access to my email address. this makes it possible for me to receive breaking news from one of the industry's most reliable journalistic sources. without these emails, how else would i know that Jen and Brad recently met up for a 1 am hotel meeting, Ashley Simpson is still a moron, and Madonna's cashier's check was accepted for the purchase i mean adoption of little Mercy?

but mostly, Us Weekly helps me keep track of The Bickersons. you know: Jon & Kate Plus I Hate Your Stinkin Lying Cheating Bitchy Guts.

today's THIRD email (really, Us Weekly? 3?) shared this tidbit with me:



well, whattaya know! it's Jon & Kate's 10th anniversary! but they're still battling marriage problems! AND new cheating allegations! gosh, it's really tough to tell whether the two will be celebrating...

UNLESS YOU LOOK IN THE CENTER OF THE PAGE where Us Weekly helpfully puts us out of our misery by telling us that Jon & Kate Celebrate 10th Anniversary Today! and the magazine gets the ball rolling on that celebration by showing us pics of the happy couple unhappily separated this spring! that's JUST as romantic a gift as aluminum or tin!

as you can tell at the bottom left of the page, Kate appears to be absolutely shocked that it's been ten years already! i hope she's not worried about how she and Jon are gonna celebrate their one score together....



well. apparently, she's getting the party started by murdering one of their kids. JUST as romantic as aluminum or tin!

thanks, Us Weekly. your helpful emails have managed to help me waste more hours on the job than the squiggle haired boss from Dilbert.

simple lessons for navigating a complex world

watching my kids grow is all at once and amazing, terrifying, exciting, disheartening experience. i'm amazed and excited about the milestones they reach and yet it leaves a nasty little pang in my chest when i realize those same milestones are moving them inch by inch away from me.

i mean, it feels like i am going to blink and find myself going to high school graduations! blink again, and i'm going to college graduations. again, and i'm saying goodbye at the airport as they relocate. blink one more time and i'm moving in with one of them and showing up unannounced on the other's job because i can't STAND BEING THAT FAR AWAY FROM MY CHILDREN!!!....but i digress.

tonight has been quite an adventure in Life Behind the Eyes of a toddler. having learned some valuable lessons, i feel much more prepared to handle the world tomorrow morning. thought i'd share:

1) BBQ sauce does not make it all better: if it's gross, it's gross. trying to smother the gross in bbq sauce does not make it more palatable. it's still gross but now it's also weird.

2) Try It, You Might Surprise Yourself: after bath time this evening, as i was drying Dixie off, Trixie walked over to the door, opened it, and sprinted down the hallway! up until that point, did i know she could open doors? no. did she? probably not. did that stop her from trying? hell to the no. and what was her reward? sweet butt nekkit success!

3) Cry It Out: emotions are cruel and capricious masters and sometimes the mere act of holding them all in check can be exhausting. it you feel the need to blow off some steam by letting loose with a full-throated, lung-rattling, blood-curdling crying jag, then by all means have at it. the consoling hugs and kisses you receive during your meltdown are awesome and you just can't help but feel better in the end.

4) Life Really is Like a Song: you ever noticed how much music we hear during the course of an average day? no? well, a toddler does. and what does this awareness of music lead to? impromptu dance recitals. be very serious about your performance and snap your fingers to the beat. you know your cell phone ringer is the jam, that's why you picked it.

5) Fake It Til You Make It: have something to say but you're unsure of the pronunciation? try to say it anyway; if you don't make mistakes you ain't gonna learn. and what's the point of getting embarrassed by mistakes? no one is perfect, duh.

so theses are just a few of the gems of wisdom passed up to me from my chaps. theses kids are quite learned for such young ladies. i can't wait to find out what they're going to teach me by this time next year.

Now You Done Made Me Mad!

octomom, she of the "no income, except for the non-welfare welfare she receives, but who totally plans on temporarily supporting her kids via student loans because everyone knows a woman with 14 kids has SCADS of time to get a degree" fame has now taken her crazyshow to the next level:

behold: Octomom Pimpin.

the sight of those kids struggling to survive while she shills for cash is what really makes me want to get her ass kicked. can someone PLEASE give chris brown her number and address?

and now for an important request:

Marry ME, T.J.