stop it right now, and no!

listen, i empathize with you. you lost the last 20 years of your life to crushing, horrifying drug addiction. it tore apart your life and ripped your relationships with your children to shreds. i get it: now you're clean and a girl just wanna have fun.

but.



what does any of that have to do with playing cooch-to-chest helicopter with a gay man in an Atlanta club?!

YOUR HAIRLINE, FRANKIE! YOUR HAIRLINE!!!

cockadoodle-dont

ever had an experience where you tried out a new look and thought you were bringing down the house with your glitz and glam, only to later find out that even though people told you that you looked fabulous, in actuality, they thought you looked like dookie?

this is what that experience looks like:






*sigh*

no.

you should never never never never never NEVA let someone who's make-up looks like that be your make-up artist.

that's monica, that's christian, those are blue contacts, and i'll be damned.

Today's Moment in Deliciousness with a side order of UNHAND HIM!

Q-Tip is coming out with a book and it is not possible for me to give less of a damn about what he wants to talk about. but i would still kiss him until his fingertips turned blurple.




and Erykah, i see you! i ain't scared of you, neither. i got some high heels. i got some glasses. nobody wants to hear me sing, either!*

not scared of you.

*jokes people, reLAX.

*WATERY SOB*

yep. still engaged.

Today's Moment in Deliciousness with a side order of tragedy.....

TJ Holmes is engaged.

i'm sorry...can't see the screen....it all just got blurry....

it's not like i made him buy my crack!

He: you know my son is in town visiting.

Me: oh, yeah! having a good time?

He: yeah, big time. and you know i got him driving.

Me: really.

He: yeah, i figure i may as well take advantage of him being here and use him as a designated driver so i can really enjoy myself.

Me:....you know you're wack, right?

He: what! he's 18!

and now for an important request:

Marry ME, T.J.

a question begs a question begs a question:

me: i feel like i'm in a rut. can you suggest something that i can do to bring some pizazz into my life?

he: did you not know this was going to happen when you had kids?

me (inside voice): couldn't your mother have just had an abortion and spared us all??